I have survived sexual abuse but apparently survival is not sufficient for one of God's precious children. I believe God wants us to conquer the results of this horrible injustice through God's personal deliverance. A personal, intimate relationship through Jesus can and will enable us to conquer the ultimate "you never get over it" trauma. It takes diligent seeking of God and lots of patience.
Trauma does not have to run OR ruin your life. Psalm 3 talks about a God who provides deliverance from our enemies. God not only delivers, he is able and willing to shower us with blessings throughout the process. The God in Psalm 3 is our deliverer, our shield around us, the lifter of our heads. I'm deep in this process of deliverance. It is a tough process and painful emotionally. God is not only blessing me spiritually through this process, He is blessing me in other ways that I would never have dreamed of--because the God of the Bible is amazing.
My deliverance started the moment I first prayed for God to help me. I was in my mid 20's. I didn't realize that this trauma, this abuse, was the reason. I had buried it so deep to convince myself I never had to think about it again. But I knew something was wrong with me and I knew it was something that God needed to fix. It was another 8 years or so before God started the healing. But were those years in vain? No. In looking back, I needed that time to really be willing to do my part of the work that God would eventually require of me. Part of that deliverance took several years and culminated with me finally confronting my abuser. I thought it was over and done with. But God, who knows each of us better than we know ourselves, still had work to do. God knows what we can handle and how much. It is so important that we remind ourselves that God's way is perfect, God's timing is perfect.
Why now? What has happened that has prompted me to talk about this in a blog, to further seek counseling, to open up myself to full spiritual examination by others including pastors? Because recently God showed me, without a doubt, that my abuser is continuing to abuse in many additional ways. A recent family situation has forced me to take a fresh look at this situation, and this abuser, from God's perspective. My abuser has failed to fully confess his sin against me and God. But I already knew that.
I found out that my abuser, who is my oldest brother, is now lying about the abuse and the details. It appears his motive is to gain control of my 91 year old mom's estate. Although my abuser has not bothered with my mom for several years, he has now reemerged. Apparently in my absence (I live in another state) my mom started asking him questions about some of the details I have shared with her about the abuse. Again, like 15 years ago, he made excuses. But now, he is blatantly lying and saying I'm making the details up. And I remember very vivid details. Victims of this kind of abuse remember details because they are so traumatic and confusing to a young child.
I confronted my brother with my mom's pastor. He lied about things he didn't even need to lie about (which was kind of funny actually.) Although I had a lot of doubts about my brother's Christian authenticity, I didn't expect this level of bold lying and deception. My brother put on this actually incredible performance of a holy man, declaring things to my mom's pastor that the pastor knew weren't true. My brother, who does not want to work and hasn't held a job for years, admitted he does not want my mom to spend her money on assisted living or in-home care because there won't be any money left for him. My brother has long had a reputation of being greedy and stingy. But to go this far? God opened my eyes to fully see the result of my brother's continued unconfessed, unrepentant sin. So why come after me, to discredit me? I am the executor/successor trustee and powers of attorney for my mom's Trust. My mom chose me over both my older brothers.
I know that exploiting the vulnerability of an elderly person for the purpose of money is a crime. Seeking to gain control of someone's estate, through lies and deception is a crime. The Bible does say "the love of money is the root of all evil." It certainly seems that this is as true today as it was three or four thousand years ago.
Each step in this process of deliverance is freeing. Through the lies of my brother I was finally able to reach a point of self-respect. I absolutely will not, in any way, allow him to ever again have any control over my life. I am free of the shame and I will no longer participate in a cover up. I boldly declare my freedom, courtesy of an amazing God.
My heart feels free to love, free to confess my own failures, free to be fully truthful and free to be courageous. I think I'm slowly changing in a lot of new areas. I finally feel free to expose this person for what he really is, to his church leadership, not for revenge but for repentance. Exposing for the purpose of bringing that person to confession and repentance is absolutely Biblical.
You can't force people to believe you. You can only speak truth. If others chose not to believe, they will have to answer to God. But to remain silent any longer is like giving the perpetrator permission to abuse all over again. If an abuser is continuing to abuse, no matter the type of abuse, he must be stopped for the sake of others. From truth will come prevention.
I still have anger, especially if I don't think my voice is being heard. But when you can get to that point where you realize the bigger tragedy is the life of the abuser, the abuser's family, the continuance of evil and its consequences, then you know a miracle of God is taking place in your heart.
Of three children in my family, I'm the only one who consistently chose to seek God's way in my life. I'd like to think that, even with all my failures, my parents saw something truthful, right and good in me. In spite of the abuse, instead of destroying me, it spurred me on to know God better and better and I'm still not satisfied. I'm still amazed, I'm still growing, and I still want more and more of God. I'm much quicker to confess and repent of my own sin and that feels good.
Isn't it ironic, that the one abused, is the one now blessed? Only through God does this happen, only through God.
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